if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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