Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
PANTIES FOUND
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
