the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Boobs are out for the taking
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
