I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
