I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
