1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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