my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Another day, another engagement, another cat
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
