every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
