I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
