My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
