Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
