I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
