Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
