he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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