I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I could make wine with my vomit
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
