guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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