new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
