Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
