You're my little dorito
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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