My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize