I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize