I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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