I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
