Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
