i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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