will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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