You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
