my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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