You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
