To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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