Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
