I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
