It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
