i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
