i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
