I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
