I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
