My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
