Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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