In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
