You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
