I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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