I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
