I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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