I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
