Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is Oprah even human
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
