Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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