You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
