Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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