I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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