He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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