There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
