Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
How's work?
Spinning.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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