whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
