So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
