I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
