If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize