Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
